Three days to live: Expiration Date, a retelling
by AlithiaSigma
Summary: Expiration date was a great video. It was also very silly. I bet you've read this kind of fic before. See inside for details.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** Do not tell me that I need to proofread my story. I do not need to proofread my story. I have checked it multiple times for the best wording and grammar choices possible. Also, try to imagine what it will look like if the story had been posted prior to "Expiration Date" on a prominent Team Fortress forum or site.

to quote BestStoriesInc, If you think this is supposed to be serious, "YOUR GRAY MATTER IS LOCATED IN YOUR SMALL INTESTINE".

Expiration date was honestly awesome, but let me show you just how plain silly it is too.

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><p>so hevy and scowt weer in the van dat said "RED BRED" but actyoually had notin 2 do wit bred. scowt got waked up by the van BUT IT WAS RILLY MS PAULING! ms pauling askd scowt if day gawt a sootcas and scowt sayded yes and then ms pauling askeded he if n e body saw dem wen dey wer takng the sutcase and scowt was al like 'maybe naw but im actally nawt telin u' and ms pauling said she aculty knew cuz she wuz alread dere and den solder randmly come from nowere somewhere bhind dem and said "HI MS PAULING WE KILEDED EVERY1 AND TOOKG A BEEFCASE" end ms pauling was like 'actally you lefted like sveen peeps and den she killeded some dude wti an arm yousing her gon, no she didn't use the arm, nad said 'acally six' and then hevy pullded the van nto 2 garage thing and ms pauling sais "by" nad scowt was all like "wait" and ms pauling sais "what" and scout said that "ur prolly real busy tis weeknd" and ms pauling was all like yep because there wus 7 no weyt 6 peeps she need 2 hide naow. nd scowt sais he's busy 2 so dat meens da 2 of dem weer busi to. and that confuzzled ms pauling. AND THEN MS PAULING LEEEVE<p>

but scowt wus stil talkin so spi sez "aking owt dat diall ton agen i c" and den scout askeded him 2 go 2 hel no wait mebbe he sed hell but den spy already sneeked into hell (or mabe hel's kitched) and STOLE A BEEFCASE1! no wait dat's a differernt stori you cun jus ferget abowt dat pert.

scowt seesd engi and medec and he askes dem whut dey wer doin and he frew car kees at dem cuz he totes had car kees. and dey didnt cetch et but he sed "noice cetch" 2 dem n e wey cuz he wuz noice liek dat so ya engi sed dey wer teleporting bred (o bam actally it did hav sumthing 2 do wit bred) and dooing x-peremints on de teleporters. den every1one wuz lukign no actally just scowt medec engi solder and hevy and mebbe spi 2; he spi on every1. so den dey TELEPORTED BRED even scowt sed wow! u can teleport bred! big noose! dne he askeded were demo and de beer wuz cuz beer is grown up and he is grown up 2.

then dey rip bred opun and dere wuz gren stuff and teeths in it. so scowt was even more surpreiseds! and he ask wut it's. and medic sed "TUMORS" so dat mean THE TEETHS WER ACTALLY TUMORS!11!121; dis make hevy stop eeting sandwich beecuz he always eeting sandwich. and engy askeded if dey new wot tumors ment so solder grab scowt and said "WE CENNOT TELEPORT BRED N E MOAR!" and dn engy sed "know, u teleport es much bred as u liek"

den hevy eet his sandwich becuz hevy not eeting sandwich is DISGRACE 2 AWL NATUR!

end den engi sayed they will awl die. den spi apered cuz he wuz waching awl long! nd spi askededede when wil ze tumors kill zem and medic wuz liek "vvhell lets see vve awl youse ze teleported sey 6 tiems e day tiems 4 yeers meyenus vvere nawt bred...(DWRAMAHTIC PAWS")... 3 deys! "

AND DEN A DEMO APPEERED CUZ TELEPORTATION! and he head the beer scowt 4Shadow-ed.

AND DEN AUDIENCE TELEPORTS TO TE RED BRED BASSE WEN DEY ONLEE HEEAV SEVENTEA OURS LEF!

so spi putt metel pale awn table and say "zis is a bucket" and 2 solder it wuz de most byootifullest thign evr and den he sed "deer god" cuz mebbe he think it gawd of deers oar somethn. and den spi sed dere wuz MOAR! and solder said " NO!" end every1 wuz liek "yus!" then spi sed it contais de dyeing wish of every1 in da room! it wuz actally bucket list! spi was so sneeky lerning abot every1's dyeing wish! but actualy he weren't cuz he med scowt do eet. end den dey med deth watchs all et same tiem but dey didn't watch 4 deth cuz dey knew dey will die n e weys. den spi sed grate speach but really you should just watch it for yourself. so spi sed first dyeing wish wuz scowts and he wahnted spi to be hit by car! with stinky lines! and picture of spy heavin sex with iFell tower cuz he is french! and iFell tower heavin sex wit him! and dem 'relackzin' afder! (dis confuzzled demo) and spi cringing and iFell tower had stinky lines on eet! scowt was laffing scowt is ver funy.

solder said spi did not reed his cuz he probs jus made eet write den. spi askeded if solder wont bucket and solder wuz awl liek "YES!" and spi giv up and leeve!

wen solder walk a whey wit bucket medec end engi walk pass wit bred and teleporters and he c bred! and he has idea!

AND DEN AUDIENCE TELEPORTS TO TE SPI SMOK RUM WEN DEY ONLEE HEEAV FIDDYATE OURS LEF!

scowt nock on spi door wen he reedin and smokeing cuz it smok room and wen spi new it wuz scowt he told he 2 f hisself but actally he said bleep but u no eet is nawt bleep cuz acually eet es fork. den scowt say dat he atually not wont spi wit stinky lines, he wont date miss pauling! and spi sey scowt terible wit grills but actaly scowt rilly guud wit grills! but spi gud wit laydees but he aktaully meen miss pauling. so spi meks scowt sey spi is beter den him 2 every1 and he did evan do it LYE!

AND DEN AUDIENCE TELEPORTS TO TE TRANIGING RUM WEN DEY ONLEE HEEAV FIDDYWON OURS LEF!

so spi sed awl "SEDOOSE MII" to scowt but scowt fink spi want gay but sex so scowt confuzzled. then actally it wuz not tru cuz spi wuz actualy hellpin scowt. den he said he wemen and he wont danger mystery Mann end dat confuzzle peeps moar.

end den scowt lern "DINNER" "DANCING" end "DEMEANOR" wutevr dat ees. end scowt drunked so mawch BONK he got 3 hat wit won huderd bonk tabs. TAKE NOET!

AND DEN AUDIENCE TELEPORTS TO TE TRANIGING RUM WEN DEY ONLEE HEEAV TOOO OURS LEF!

den spi askede scowt wut do wen diner date at 7. scowt say check if kook rusthead and ef know den kil kook and POOTIS knew kook. and spi almos sey he reddy but new dat if he did every1 wood no was HIM hoo replaceded kook at other diner so he say scowt failure. den scowt sey he not fail and he go hev date with miss pauling himself but den it nawt liek he brung spi 2 date n e whey! haw haw i funny.

so he turn on beefcase stole alarm.

AND DEN AUDIENCE TELEPORTS TO TE MEDECS RUM WEN DEY ONLEE HEEAV WON OURS LEF!

engi take tumor bred and teleport to medec cuz engy end medec dyeing wish was fingdinging out if bred get MOAR TUMORS if teleport. AND DEN BRED WAS SQUIRNIMING AND MEKING TRIBBLE NOICSE! and medec intersted not confuzzleds. END DE BRED HAFF TEETHS THAT WEER NAWT TUMORS!

AND MS PAULING COMMING TO BASE!

AND DEN AUDIENCE TELEPORTS TO TE RED BASSE WEN DEY ONLEE HEEAV ZEEROH POIWNT SICKS SICKS REEPEETINGING OURS LEF!

and miss pauling arrive and fink beefcase stoled! and scout sey hi and "u look..." so every1 try help him come up wit words; demo say drunk end blurry and solder say round soft round wich mite be sercet code! but scowt jus sez ravishing end miss pauling seyes he does 2! !111211111112!

AND DEY HAVE PROM end archimoiianogj da burd wuz dere 2

den an engi popped out! into room and tell spi demo solder dat only bred get tumors! den medec cull it byooty merk that metatastatatisizedededs in place with weet. and dey haff bred in jar and bred hate medec. then engi say it fin if no1 teleport bred!

THEN SOLDER HAV QUESTON! he asked "EYE TELEPORTED BRED!" engy was liek wut and askeded how much. then solder sed "EYE HAV DONE KNOWTIN BOT TELEPORT BRED FOR 3 DEYS!" den dey ask where send it.

scowt den try brin miss pauling to dinner but den BRED WUZ DERE!

so every1 try to kil bred BUT IT DONTWERK! solder verrry heppy he teleport bred. he fink it funy. den ms pauling make bomb with watch and bom and archimoseds da burd get eet by bred. den every1 run frum bom! but scowt and ms pauling were not BUT BRED DID NOT EET BOM! so archimaisng da burd fly out of bred stumuch and scowt and ms pauling run in. bom x-plowdead end bred ded but scowt and ms pauling alive in ded bred! end den ms pauling excited cuz shee build bom and kil bred and he wont 2 do agen! but scowt sed no cuz he dyeing of tumors.

DEN A SOLDER POPPED OUT! and ento bred to say "WII R GOWIUNG 2 LIV 4EVAH!" but medec sed he dedn't sey dat. but dey not hav tumors. so scowt happy and scowt can go wit ms pauling t'werk cuz she den't hav day offf. den ms pauling say she wil kil scowt.

DE AND

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><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> That vid is public domain and so is the wiki.


	2. end den hels kitched cuz y nawt

**Author's note:** So, I was looking at notifications and I saw that someone... followed this story? Unless Valve's going to make and "Expiration Date 2", there isn't exactly anything to follow... Um... So I guess I will now write other random stuff. ...Enjoy...?

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><p>so peeps wer awl askin meh "wat bowt spi did hels kitched aend hthe stole beefcase in hel" but i thoght therr wuz onlee 1 of dem but i do both naow 4 u peeps. u r ahwsem so heer i giv u dis storee bowt spi and bowth hel's kitcne adn hell issewlf.<p>

so scowt seyz to spi "go 2 hel" so spi wuz like "oh kay" but he didnts no if scowt sey hel r hell so he wnet and did deceyedead to do bowth of dem.

so spit turn inbisisble reel qwik and he hed speshal nife dat made his invicible lawnger if he kil peeps. so he kil medec and engi but dey o k cuz dey com beck to lif cuz dey teem fort2 and medec askeded "vvat dat vvuz 4?" in confuzzled voyce, but engi say "he spi. he invisicble. he use speshal nife make invisible longer if kil peeps. he invincible longur naow. no persunal." den medec seys it o k den but den had kwestin. he aske "buts he incvincebled 2?" end engi scractcheded helment d sed "i dunno" den medec was awl "i most make her spi invisibles 2! so he incivicible and invincibel!" den medec like "weight were he go n e wey" den engi answereed "invisibull"

so medec start yellin "hay u no were spi go?" to peeps but dey didnt no bit scowt knew cuz he tol spi go 2 hel end he tol medec dat he tol spi 2 got dere so medec aslo go to hell end stert yeling "spy her spy r u dere" den he got kil.

BUT MEDEC COME BACK TO LIF EGEN! end he find spi becuz teem benner thing seyz "spi [backsteb simble] medec so medec new dat spy did 4 moar invicibilitie. so medec folo spi and heel him until oober meeter fulled. den spy keep gowing invisibull in hell and try sneek to speshal beefcase in hell but medec folow.

DEN A DEEMON POPPED OUT and d-man see medec becawse medec not invisibel! so deemon try attak medec! but medec did do ful oobercarge! so medec spi invicnaebled! so dey invincabled end spi sneek end medic kill deemons wit oobersword saw thin. SO HE GETED MOAR OOBERS. SO SPI FULL INVINVBILE AND INVISIONCHBLE ET SAME TIEM!1 so spi get beefcase det wuz speyschal. BUT IT TREP! so spy trepped! but he untrep cuz medec youse oober agen! so spi DUBLE INVICNEIBLE! end den spi end medec run liek bats owta hell rilly fest but actyoually dey wer men owt a hell rilly fest. den dey run to RED BRED base end yell "we get beefcase!" den dey run owt agan CUZ DEY GOT HELS KITCHE NAOE! oh and spi hed kil medec lots cuz he ned moar invibicle tiem.

so spi medec go hels kitched wer hel mek meny caykes 4 zoose. because dey bowth gods amirite? i so funy! so hel mekked zoosecakes. and she aldos mek pie bot dat not 4 zoose. and hel mekked cupcakeds 2 4 awl of zoose kid cuz zoose hed 2 meny kid.

but kid r evuls! dey tri steel pi! so hel sed no cupcakeds 4 dem bot shee alredy med 20000000000000 cupcakeds end she downt no what do wit dem! so spi c end he sed "medem mey eye bee off azzistanze?" end he said he culd tek cupcakeds off hels hans. bot hel hans reel big! hel cupcakeds liek size 35 mancekes! so spi tel medec yoose speshal oober powah. specshal oober blitzkerig! let spi end medec pic up awl hooge 2000000000000000 cupcakeds! and dey brin 2 RED base!

den hooge ceks were awl rite nest 2 base! den solder teleport cupcakeds but cupcakeds nawt bred so o k. BUT CUPCAKEDS HED WEET! so rendom bred appeer! and teem awl kil bred end ms pauling 2 cuz she liek kil bred reemebr she sed 2 scowt. den dey awl hapi and eet cupcakeds!

scowt askeded "were cupcakeds frum? y u get dem" den spi sez "u tol me go hel or hell so I go bowth!"

den scowt say "i shud sen u dere moar off ten" den dey awl laff

DE AND

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><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong> This is what happens when you follow stories. Take note!


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